Thursday, March 31, 2011

Flash Report! The Captain Drops Anchor at Art's Cinema in Hartford

Doc here with a 5-Star rated adult theater report from that crusty old sea dog himself, The Captain.  As promised, he has dropped anchor in Hartford, CT and has favored us with a reading from his captain's log.

Take it away, Captain!


Good Dr.,

With the ice finally off the rivers and the Coast Guard having marked the navigation channels, it was time for The Captain to make his way up the Connecticut River to his favorite berth in downtown Hartford - Art's Cinema (255 Franklin St Hartford CT 06114).

It was a blustery Saturday late-afternoon when The Captain berthed the Wally Power Yacht - being early in the boating season I had my choice of docking spaces and I chose one furthest away from the clubhouse in anticipation of flying the party flag later that night.
Art's Cinema
255 Franklin St., Hartford, CT
 Art's is a small/medium sized theater seating about 600 people in it's heyday - downstairs looks like it could seat 350 and upstairs maybe 50-75 people (at least half the seating upstairs has been turned in to storage). The hours of operation seem to be 1pm-10:30pm.

Upon entering, it's $12 for admission and there is a wide selection of candy available for purchase for only $1-$2 ea. The upstairs balcony couples only seating is accessed by the staircase in the back of the theater - it has a nice setup for couples with a semi-private bathroom and some lockers to store personal items. It is couples only and any attempt by single guys to wander up there is caught quickly by the clerk monitoring the camera (there is a light beam sensor that alerts the clerk to comings and going) that is on the staircase area only - and the single guy is asked to leave the theater - no second chances. The main hallway also has a camera, but there are no cameras inside the couples area or in the main theater.

The first impression Art's Cinema makes is it's very clean. The Captain made his way into the theater area and down the wide hallway in the back to the men's room (again - clean). The men's room is VERY small - the captain's uniform shoulder boards didn't fit in between the dividers for the urinals. The Captain has a strange experience each time he heads to the latrine in this theater - he's followed by another male patron. The latrine is smaller than the one on The Captains yacht (2 people barely fit) so I'm not sure any action could take place even if it's desired.  After taking careful aim to drain the bilge water, I headed into the theater.

After my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I counted about 20 guys from 20-70 years old seated around the theater. The Captain's timing was impeccable as the couples tend to arrive between 6-8pm on Fri and Sat nights and 3 couples came in during that window with a 4th arriving around 9:30pm. I'm not as good as Portland's Brent at describing the women but I'll try!
 Couple #1 was in their 50's - she was quite drunk and together they both satisfied about 8 guys. She took frequent breaks to go upstairs to couples only area in the balcony, but came back just as quick as she left. A few of the regulars told me the couple frequented this theater. The Captain had a bad vibe on this scene and kept his powder dry.

The Real
Christina Applegate

The Real
Kristen Bell
Couple #2 was a lucky as heck average Joe type guy, accompanying a woman who is a beautiful cross between Christina Applegate and Kristen Bell. She was a petite blonde with tight jeans and heels on, but not a very revealing blouse. The regulars seemed to think they were newbies and asked the few guys that crowded them to back off and let them get comfortable. One geriatric didn't have a good enough battery in his hearing aid and kept coming back a minute later.  

They watched Couple #1 play from the other side of the theater but didn't get any closer. He got brave enough to let his hand wander down between her legs, but it went no further than that for 3-1/2 hrs they were there. I have to commend the regulars for asking the buzzards to back off and let them get comfortable. We all got a good look at her when the lights came on at closing time and he was one lucky guy!

Couple #3 came in about 7:30 and headed to the balcony area and stayed up there until about 10pm when they left. She looked much like Jada Pinkett Smith with very short hair - I didn't get a good look at her male companion.

The Real
Jada Pinkett Smith
Couple #4 was in their late 50's, arriving about 9:30pm. She was sandy blonde with good size D cups in a black silk lace-trimmed top under her zip up hoodie. My best comparison is to imagine a short Martha Stewart. They took a walk around and settled in two rows in front of Couple #2. After about 15mins she unzipped her hoodie and he played with her breasts. Two guys took a seat in the row in front of them and she let one of them play with her breasts for a few minutes until the clerk flashed the lights about 10:35pm and closed up shop.

The locals informed me a typical Fri/Sat night is about 5 couples and that couples frequent the theater during the weekday afternoons as well. I overheard one guy talking to another and he said Father's Day is "best day of the year for couples action here." So mark your calendars!

At this point the Captain headed off for some live music and in search of a few friendly locals to help hoist that party flag. Stay tuned for Part 2 of this report coming up!
Respectfully submitted,
The Captain


A big salute you goes out to The Captain for his informative and entertaining missive on his trip to Art's Cinema.  This is one adult theater still on The Good Doctor's bucket list, so hopefully 2011 will yield an opportunity to make a House Call to Art's.

Where will The Captain's anchor drop next?  Stay tuned...

As you were...